When I was in journalism school, the students used to joke about the phrase our teacher used to criticize our poor writing.
He would quip in a gravelly voice, “This story needs major surgery.”
Well, I came across an example of just such an article.
While looking on a freelancer’s job board recently, I came across a request for a graphic artist who could dress up an email with a nice-looking graphic.
Let me be honest – the article didn’t need an image.
The person who made the request, in the trucking industry, wrote a rather good article about his services – if he was in English class.
His company’s advantages were clearly spelled out. He made some great promises.
But I suspect that the email will probably flop as a sales device.
Why?
Wasting his ink
The writer spilled nearly all his ink on talking about himself and his company, and very little on the problems of his prospect.
Here’s how his email began:
“I hope this finds you well. My name is [John Smith] and I am the owner of [ABC Company], the premiere freight brokerage based in [State]. We provide comprehensive logistics, and shipping services for clients across the country. I’d like to speak with someone at [COMPANY NAME] about how [ABC Company] can help you fulfill your shipping needs safely, securely, and in a timely fashion.”
Let’s just skip over the first sentence, which is a real dud.
After that, you can see that the author dumps everything about his company into your lap.
“We, we, we….”
Um, whatever happened to “you”?
Their own problems
Prospects first of all are thinking about their own problems and needs. Why would they be curious about another company right off the bat?
A prospect needs to be approached with words of understanding, sympathy – they need to hear their own problems and concerns expressed by another. Then you win the heart of your listener.
If you’ve studied copywriting, you know that there’s something magic about capturing the sympathy of a reader. It’s like flipping a switch in their mind.
It’s as if they say, “Yes – you understand me exactly. Keep talking.”
The reader has given him the green light.
Let’s look more closely at an obvious sign that explains why this big snafu will kill the email.
Read more, “How an email can trash your emotions.”
